It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you inspire me to be a worse person
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
