I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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