I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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