Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
