coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
