Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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