just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
there is glitter all over my balls
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
