hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
