When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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