its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
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I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
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just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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