Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
