The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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