I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
