Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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