Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
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