you have to choose: penises or morals?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
