For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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