TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
