I will die if light touches me.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
