Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
