Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
