peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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