Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
