i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
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I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
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I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize