Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
