I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
