I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize