dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
