why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
