So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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