He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
