I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
