i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
