I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Everyone says I win the strip club
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
