I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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