I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just want to make out with him forever
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
where are my eyebrows?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
