Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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