there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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