I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
