Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
