I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize