whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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