She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
They took my balls.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
