Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
