my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
