We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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