I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
