I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
