The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
