I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Randomize
