What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
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Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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