on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
