I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
