I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
