the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
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