So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
