I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
