it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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