ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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