new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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