Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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