32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
