Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Plan B is the new Plan A
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
